Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Vent -- Part 3

Before I start writing this post, I just wanted to let everyone know that Conner will be leaving our home no later than May 2nd.

Ok, so it was more than a week before we got Conner back.  It seemed like forever!!!  We were able to pick him up Monday night, the 7th.  I was glad to see everyone happy to have Conner back, but ....

... ok, I'm going to interject here for a minute to say that I am going to be completely honest.  As anybody who knows me can attest to, I am honest to a fault.  But, that is how I am and so I am going to write my thoughts as they are.  As always, please don't feel like you need to read this. I'm only writing for my healing.

So, I was glad to see everyone was happy to have Conner back, but I just wasn't.  I was terrified about how things were going to go again. It was as rough as before except this time the kids weren't home from school, so that was better that he couldn't hurt any of the other kids. It still was so difficult though.  He has so many issues. I don't remember anything specific.  I just tried to get through each day.

Sunday, though, I remember very well.  That was such a difficult day.  I don't think Conner has ever been to a church meeting.  It was the most difficult thing.  He was so angry about sitting in one place even though we brought toys and books for him.  I left church with seven bite marks on my arms and a bruised jaw and shoulder.  Plus, two different times Conner took off running out of a church door and down the sidewalk.  I had to kick off my shoes and chase after him in my skirt and nylons to catch him before he ran into the road.  I was so discouraged halfway through sacrament meeting that I had to leave and go to the bathroom to just cry.  We decided to focus on just one meeting at a time.  We let him play in the lobby for the remaining two hours.  I was so grateful for a boy in our ward named Spencer that struggles with ADHD also.  He played with Conner to help me.  I was so very grateful.

The rest of the day was difficult also with all of the kids home.  Jim was wonderful, though, and gave me a nap an some time to myself.  He is so patient with me.  I wish I was as capable as him.

The next week, things seemed to get more and more difficult.  Wednesday was an ultimate low. I hit an absolute rock bottom.  A part of me wants to share everything that I felt and went through, but there are just some things that should be kept private.  I'll simply just say that I got to a point where I sincerely felt like I couldn't manage one more day.Jim skipped his city council meeting, which made me feel grateful, but so very very guilty.  I left for a while and took a drive.  I don't know how to explain what I was feeling at that time.  I began driving with the intention of going to a place called Short Canyon.  I was desperate.  I promised myself that if I could just think of five reasons to keep moving forward, then I would.  I thought of three, but I couldn't find two more and I was to the point of giving up.

But, God is so good.  I know he loves me.  He gave me a tender mercy that day.  As I was driving I saw a sign for Red Rose Ranch.  I love animals and always have.  I tried to stop crying (which I had been doing trough the drive) and gathered the courage to ask the people if I could pet a horse.  I pulled into their driveway and went to the door.  They weren't in the house, but I saw them walking up as I was about to leave.  I asked them if they have any horses that I could just spend some time with.  They said yes and pointed out three gentle horses.  I went over to the corrals.  The first horse wasn't so friendly, but the second one was so sweet.  I spend a long time with him. I talked to him while I was petting him.  It was very calming.  When I walked over to the third corral the second horse followed me and put his head on my shoulder.  It made me smile.  It was so comforting, even if it was just a random horse. It felt as if something somewhere in the world thought I was a good person.  I needed that.

Then, as I was walking back to the house to thank the couple for letting me spend time on their ranch, I was stopped by a vet.  He told me that he had just put their dog down.  He said that they asked to have some time alone.  I glanced toward the house and saw them holding their dog's head on their laps and stroking his face.  I realized how sad they were.  I was incredibly touched that some people who were dealing with heartache of their own were willing to serve me.  I got their names and phone number from the vet so I could thank them.  I headed back home with a little more strength.  I felt that I could make it one more day, but still felt fragile.

No comments: