Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Vent -- Part 4

In my last post I forgot to write about something else that happened on Wednesday. 

We had a meeting at 2:00  for Conner to go to school, and by the time he and I got to the meeting I was angry and hurt and upset.  I felt so withdrawn from Conner because of something that had happened earlier that day.  I had dealt with nearly 15 major tantrums in a row.  I had found that if I stood behind a chair and held his arms, he couldn't throw his head back to hit me in the face or the collarbone.  And if I held his arms just right, the couldn't bite me.  Sometime in that last tantrum, though, he got a bite in.  That one hurt really badly!  By that point I was so tired and discouraged.  I started to cry.  He seemed to feed off of that.  He probably just didn't know how to handle the mom crying.  whatever his reasons were, he seemed to gain power from a reaction like that (even though there were 14 other tantrums that illicited very very little reaction from me.)  Things got worse from that point on.  By the time we needed to go to the meeting, I had completely withdrawn emotionally from Conner.

Everybody at the meeting was doting on Conner, though.  They kept commenting how cute he was and how well behaved he was.  I felt pretty bitter.  How could everybody enjoy him except for me?  Why did I have to deal with the teaching and training and with all of the tantrums?  Why didn't I get to have any good moments with him, but everybody else does?  I remember going through the motions of the meeting.  I signed the papers and talked about transportation with school, but the whole time all I was thinking was that I hoped he didn't have to be in our home for even one more day.  I was honest with them and told them that I was desperate for respite, so I was able to convince them to let Conner start school the very next day.  I was so grateful I could have cried right there in front of everyone.

Our social worker was at that meeting, and as soon as I got a chance I asked her if there was another family that could take Conner.  She bluntly said "no."  I was so discouraged.  I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't stand the thought of taking Conner and going back home. I sat in the car and sobbed. At that time we had Conner in a booster seat carseat.  He kept unbuckling and getting out and kicking my chair.  Jim got in the car so we could talk a little bit.  I turned on a movie for Conner while we talked.  I expressed my frustration to him.  I really felt that I am just not capable of something like this.  I think perhaps I am too open with my emotions.  I feel like I try to keep a brick wall around myself to stay strong enough, but inside, I'm just a soft marshmallow. Jim expressed that he still felt strongly that we were supposed to keep Conner. 

That was the moment when I switched from sadness to anger.  I feel so badly about this, but I said some horrible things to Jim.  Really mean things.  I took out all of the anger and frustration about Conner on my husband.  And, in return he was patient and calm.  I just didn't know what to do.  He was so certain that the Lord wanted us to keep Conner, and I knew that there was no way I could do it.  We were in a deadlock and even the status quo was unbearable.  Something had to change, but I saw no options.

So, then, as I wrote about yesterday, God blessed me with a tender mercy of spending time on the Red Rose Ranch.  It gave me a little bit of strength, and with Jim home helping deal with dinner and pajamas and bedtime I made it through the evening.

Thursday morning I got everybody ready for school.  I dropped off the other kids and then took Conner.  He seemed to be very excited for school.  He went to the classroom well.  I got in my car and felt a huge sense of relief, but, as crazy as it was, I also felt dread.  A lot of it.  Because I knew that in two and a half hours, I had to be back there to pick him up. 

I went home, and while I was eating breakfast, I wrote a Facebook post asking anybody for a 5-point harness carseat for free or a good price.  He will unbuckle his seat and get out nearly every mile we drive.  It was so difficult.  And on Wednesday when I was in the pick-up lane to get my kids from school he kept unbuckling.  He wouldn't stay buckled for more than a few seconds.  I did everything I could to try to keep it buckled.  I slid his carseat over so it was covering the buckle as best as possible,  I wrapped a sweater that was in the car around it to try to keep him from getting to it, but nothing worked.  Every time I would get out of my seat and go to the van door to buckle him back in he would kick me and slap me.  I would try to hold his legs down with one hand enough that he couldn't kick me in the face while I tried to buckle the seat belt with the other hand.  But then his hands were free to slap me.  The lady in the car behind me watched with fire in her eyes.  She kept giving me these looks each time I would turn around to get back in my seat.  I looked as though she thought I was doing something terrible to him. 

Anyway, so I decided to just remove that stress I would find a five-point harness carseat that he just couldn't get out of.  And a dear friend did reply.  She is one of my heroes.  She is one of the most selfless people I know and she has many many struggles of her own in her life.  But, here she was serving me.  I felt unworthy of her service, but at the same time I was so grateful.  The carseat was dropped of to me by her son within the next hour.  I was so grateful I just stood there and cried.  He came by when my visiting teachers were over at the house.  My visiting teachers were another tender mercy in my life that day.  God sent so many people to help me through this.  And I didn't even deserve it because of my incapability and my anger towards the situation.  My visiting teachers cried with me that day.  I was grateful to be able to talk about what I was feeling to someone.  And I felt that they loved me and weren't judging me for my failures.  I needed that.

Another friend that was an angel in my life made me dinner.  She insisted even though she is a working mom.  I felt horribly insanely guilty having a working mother make me dinner.  But, again, I was so grateful.  She ended up bringing over TWO dinners.  It was enough for seven meals for our family.  She is an incredible person.  I was touched so much by all that she did for me!!!!!

That day I learned two things.  First, was that my true friends stayed around and even helped when I was hurting and hopeless.  There were many people who pulled away, were judgemental, or just plain unkind.  I certainly know that I wasn't easy to deal with during that time, but trust me when I say that you NEVER know what a person is going through.  Even the closest people to me didn't know how tender of a situation it was for me through those weeks.  I am so grateful for the good kind and loving people in my life that got me through this. Thank you. I hope someday I can serve you in return.

The second thing I learned was that the Lord really wanted me to learn how to accept help.  It was as if he humbled me to the lowest depth I could go so that I would have no other choice but to accept help.  It was a position I've only rarely been in.  I guess the Lord had a lot for me to learn.

1 comment:

The HousewifeTravels said...

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. been thinking about you. Sorry it's been a rough time.